I feel drained. I’m a little tired of feeling this way all of the time because it seems like most of the last five years have just been sluggish for me. I know that some of it comes with fibro and the chronic fatigue is “normal” but it feels like it goes beyond that. My emotions are bleak. My mind is foggy. I don’t think as quickly as I used to or function nearly as well as I used to. I’m so young and I feel so old and it seems so wrong.
I think this is what they call depression, but I’m not depressed, not really and when I do feel depressed I can call it. It’s a very awkward feeling, to tell the truth. I look healthy and I sound educated and I can put out a pretty good facade of being intelligent but if you go just past the exterior, a little farther than skin deep, I’m hollow. I stare blankly at people and they wonder why. I don’t hear what they’re saying even if I’m attempting to listen. I don’t really succeed at anything, unless it’s Noah, because I look at him and the fog dissipates a little bit and I can function.
See, what keeps me going is that even when I feel like a failure of a wife or person, I know I’m a good mother. I know that I can play with my son and teach him and keep him happy and he’s proof that my body isn’t entirely broken. So, you know, he’s this living reminder that I don’t suck, I’m just tired and I can keep fighting to get to where I need to be. And Joshua isn’t so bad himself. He’s my husband and he supports me when I can’t support myself. He makes me feel like I can deal with this hazy cocoon on my own time, at my own pace, because he’ll keep me safe and steer me to where I need to go.
It’s just hard, this fog. Sometimes I think that exercise will help or reading more will help or that some other cure is just around the corner and then I get tired and it seems so hard to take the next step.
God, this entry makes me sound crazy, doesn’t it?
7 Comments to 'Through The Fog'
October 29, 2009
It really affected me to read this. Everything you said here, (with the exception of the part about Noah), is EXACTLY the way I felt for so damn long. I stayed in a depression for literally years. The “fibro fog” can really make you feel like a senile old lady, and that is something that still bothers me. The only thing I know to tell you here is to accept your disease and learn to live your life around it. That is what I’ve done, though I do admit it still gets me down at times. Changing my diet has also helped tremendously. Just keep thinking of Noah, keep yourself busy and mentally stimulated, (like reading, or learning something new), and perhaps one day you will find new ways to deal with the FMS and CFS). Hugs to you, Lynn. :)
October 29, 2009
Kelly, do you have fibro? I didn’t know that.
Thank you for commenting, especially so quickly. It really lifted my spirits to hear from a friend that understands. :)
October 29, 2009
Hey lady, I don’t understand it. But I swear to you I feel the exact same way. The only difference? I don’t have a beautiful baby boy that makes me feel needed and of use to somebody. And I don’t have a husband that has your back 24/7. The fog in your mind I have felt like I’ve had for the past year if not more. I don’t understand how I made it to college sometimes because my mind doesn’t comprehend like it should. People talk to me and I just stare at them and try to grasp a concept, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t even like to think anymore, about anything. Simple math is stressful.. I feel like all I have is these feelings of loneliness and sadness. I can be happy around people sometimes, but even that gets tiring. I know I didn’t offer a solution, but know your not alone! I feel it too, at least with fibro you have a reason.. Maybe it is depression but I just want to get past it, organize my life and be done with this day to day school cause I really can’t take much more of this, it is wearing me down. Just don’t forget that you have an important role in somebodies life. Really you have made impacts on many people I’m sure but Noah needs you and that is what you should wake up for.
October 29, 2009
Just knowing that I have friends helps. Really. *hugs* I wish I could put a smile on your face too.
October 29, 2009
You’ve pretty much summed up the last four years of my life.
I plan to get tested for Lyme Disease, Mycoplasma, and a score of other things ASAP! My mom was just diagnosed with a chronic Mycoplasma infection, has started aggressive treatment, and is feeling so much better. She and her doctor suspect that she has had the infection for about 20 years now, and she has suffered from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, arthritis, fertility problems, and on and on. I talked to her last night, and she is so excited that her treatment is working. She actually has energy! She and I share a lot of the same symptoms, so I’m going to contact my doctor today to talk about testing. Especially since Mycoplasma can be contagious within families (not by casual contact, luckily), that’s even more reason for me to get tested.
Have you thought about Lyme Disease or something similar as a cause of your symptoms?
October 29, 2009
I can’t recall offhand what all I’ve been tested for but it’s quite a bit. Later, when I have insurance, I do hope to work with a doctor and see if some of this is treatable. Giving birth helped in some areas (libido, general energy levels – probably because I have to chase a toddler) and eating better definitely helps (e.g. I’ve almost entirely cut out vegetable/canola oils, though that’s what my mom uses to cook with).
I admit, I had no idea so many people were affected. My eyes have been opened in the last 12 hours.
October 29, 2009
I think this entry makes you sound human. Those are all things that I’ve dealt with in the past.
As exhausting as it sounds, the only way for me to never go back there is to dig through your soul for every little heart break, take them out into the light and deal with them.
You’re definitely not a failure, in any way! *HUGS*