I just watched Ree Drummond on the Bonnie Hunt Show. She’s so pretty in action! I mean her pictures are stunning but she has such a cool, collected manner on the outside. I am so excited to have her cookbook and to go see her in person on December 5th. I rarely get interested on that level but it’s nice to see one of “the bloggers” get recognition and know you were there for some of the journey, you know? So I’m genuinely rooting for The Pioneer Woman and I’m looking forward to getting my new cookbook signed. :)

Remember this? It never fails to crack me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUbvuIX1nVA

That was almost me today. I wasn’t doing a headstand (I don’t know how) but I was doing a few other stretches and Noah runs up to pull my shirt down and nurse. I told him no…so he kept asking for “cook”, including running to the couch (our favorite nursing spot). I laid down to do a stretch on my back and he goes “Alright! Cook!” and runs over to me. I guess he thought I was laying down for him!

I feel drained. I’m a little tired of feeling this way all of the time because it seems like most of the last five years have just been sluggish for me. I know that some of it comes with fibro and the chronic fatigue is “normal” but it feels like it goes beyond that. My emotions are bleak. My mind is foggy. I don’t think as quickly as I used to or function nearly as well as I used to. I’m so young and I feel so old and it seems so wrong.

I think this is what they call depression, but I’m not depressed, not really and when I do feel depressed I can call it. It’s a very awkward feeling, to tell the truth. I look healthy and I sound educated and I can put out a pretty good facade of being intelligent but if you go just past the exterior, a little farther than skin deep, I’m hollow. I stare blankly at people and they wonder why. I don’t hear what they’re saying even if I’m attempting to listen. I don’t really succeed at anything, unless it’s Noah, because I look at him and the fog dissipates a little bit and I can function.

See, what keeps me going is that even when I feel like a failure of a wife or person, I know I’m a good mother. I know that I can play with my son and teach him and keep him happy and he’s proof that my body isn’t entirely broken. So, you know, he’s this living reminder that I don’t suck, I’m just tired and I can keep fighting to get to where I need to be. And Joshua isn’t so bad himself. He’s my husband and he supports me when I can’t support myself. He makes me feel like I can deal with this hazy cocoon on my own time, at my own pace, because he’ll keep me safe and steer me to where I need to go.

It’s just hard, this fog. Sometimes I think that exercise will help or reading more will help or that some other cure is just around the corner and then I get tired and it seems so hard to take the next step.

God, this entry makes me sound crazy, doesn’t it?

Noah is so funny. He’s very particular about how objects “exist” in the world and has to “fix” them. For example, I was leaning back in my chair and he noticed the front half wasn’t on the floor so he pushed my chair down and looked at me reprovingly.

On the other hand, he also wants to figure everything out, so he followed that up with looking at my empty neighboring chair and tried to figure out how he could get it to lean back just like I did.

He’s also on this “cleaning” kick where he walks around with a broom and duster and “sweeps” the carpet. He whacks the sofa, the chairs, the bookshelf and even people with the duster. He says “uh oh” and grabs a towel to clean up a spill right along with me. He’s also pretty good about picking his toys up when I go to tidy up (which isn’t really often enough since I don’t care if toys don’t live in their box).

It’s just too cute.

(This isn’t the entry I wanted to write. I can’t make words come out the way I want them to anymore. My mind just isn’t…making the connections, I guess. I tried reading more to see if it would “fix” my problem but it’s not. I’m just stuck.)

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

Very sad. Possibly triggering. Absolutely heartbreaking.

I would still read it. Maybe you can help.