Home has so many connotations for me. Home is Houston, where I am surrounded by friends and family. Home is LaGrange, where I know my apartment so well I can walk it blindfolded. Home is also people….it’s Joshua, it’s my mother, it’s Noah. Home is a feeling of love and happiness and being content with the world.

And yet, some of my definitions of home are so different from each other, they cannot be reconciled…so I am torn apart into different directions. It’s painful to say goodbye to those I love, but it’s also confusing because I’m still surrounded by others that I love just as much.

I’ve decided that I need to move. I need to get home to my mother, to my cousins, to my grandparents and to my friends. I’m not expecting perfection but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I need to be near them right now. With everyone growing up and/or leaving, this is the last chance we have to be together as we once were; to see each other and grow together a little more.

I also know that I can’t say goodbye to my mother like that again. I can’t look into her eyes and see her tears and feel such terrible heartbreak again. I can’t say goodbye to my grandparents without knowing that I’ll see them at least one more time. My grandfathers…both of them…their eyes sparkle when they look at me. They are so obviously filled with pride for me, my son…my little family. And my grandmothers! Their advice, their love, their guidance…

My heart feels ripped apart right now. I long for my mother and my cousins. I want to give my brother a hard time. I want to see Noah dance and laugh and play with them all again.

Soon. It has to be soon.