I feel like God is cramming desire down my throat. I am constantly hungry for more Scripture. I am constantly longing to talk to another Christian about God or about what I’m reading or about church (except remember – I don’t go to church…yet). I want to go to church. I want to find somewhere to plant spiritual roots because I think at this point, I am ready for God to take over my life. I’m obviously not doing it right on my own.

But then that, right there, is exactly what gets me. That’s my problem. I don’t want to accept that I can’t do it on my own. Who says? Why am I not capable? Does that mean God becomes a crutch for someone who has hit spiritual and emotional rock bottom? Where do you go from there? How do you say that you are choosing God when in reality, he’s The Option left to you?

I’m trying to tell myself I don’t really care about that. If I’m using God as a crutch then fine. At least it’s a strong crutch crafted out of love, right?

Sometimes I think God might get a kick out of making life confusing.