I’m at a complete loss for what to do with my site. I used to change layouts and content for my sites almost weekly. Now I haven’t got the time or the inspiration and besides, I love my layout. It’s the first layout I’ve ever made that I didn’t want to immediately ditch (it took me about 30 minutes to get to that point but then only about 15 minutes to get past that). As for content…it’s just…what is the point? The need? My site is not about anything in particular. I suppose I could write articles about cloth diapering or breastfeeding and post them up but that’s not really what I’m here for. That, and I’m dangerously close to letting the mother part of me consume my identity and I don’t want to let that happen. As wonderful and amazing being a mother is, I started to go down that path and started to lose my husband and myself. I cannot let motherhood consume me because then what happens later, when Noah grows up? When he’s ready for his own life, separate from his parents, for a girl or college or some adventure? I would be an empty shell.

Lately I have been trying to refocus myself. I don’t want to be consumed with being a wife, either. Joshua didn’t marry me because I was a perfect wife (hahaha, perfect wife) but because he liked who I was when he met me. Unfortunately, I find that I’m forgetting who I used to be and I’m not sure who I want to be. I think I was funny once. I was definitely sarcastic and witty and loved to read. I was passionate about God (hmm) and I enjoyed spending time doing things not on the computer that didn’t involve cleaning.

I wish I could figure out where I want to go from here. I need to figure out how to define myself, albeit loosely. If I’m not a mother or a wife, then what am I? I simply don’t know. My life is so wrapped up in being both that I don’t really have the time to figure out who or what I am. That scares me. For someone who used to be so independent, so headstrong, so…individual, that scares me.

This entry took a random, blubbering turn, didn’t it? I’m just going to stop right here.