I’m supposed to be going to sleep. Joshua and Noah are both passed out beside me and we might go to Newnan after some sleep, but I have to write a quick entry first.

Tonight was one of “those nights” when it came to parenting. Noah, on occasion, drives me absolutely bonkers. He’s whiny or clingy (actually, this doesn’t bother me as much) or refusing to sleep. He was good for most of the day but once night hit, he was too tired to be awake and too tired to be asleep.

Yet today I got the very heartbreaking reminder that I am truly lucky. That I can enjoy my son, that my heart is still in one piece, that my life isn’t incomplete…because my baby is next to me. Because he’s asleep and I can see him and his face that looks so toddler-like when he’s awake still looks like the infant he was such a short time ago when he’s sleeping. Because I can be annoyed with him. Because I can get frustrated and tell him to just CHILL for 5 seconds while I get his toy working.

And because I can see him scrunch up his nose, squint his eyes and grin at me just because I’m a silly mommy.

I have my baby. God let me keep my baby for another day and I think I forget that every day is precious because tomorrow is not a promise. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Tomorrow is another day and I need to enjoy THIS one. I need to live every minute to its fullest, even if that means laying back and snuggling my baby boy, because who knows when I’ll have another one?

Of course I pray for forever. Of course I pray for years and years and decades with the love of my life. Of course I pray for a long marriage and many happy returns. Of course I pray to see my son grow old and marry and have kids of his own.

Of course. But that doesn’t mean it’s promised to me.

So even though I won’t live every day in fear of dying…I won’t live every day in fear of living, either. I just don’t know where the next one will come from.