I am conflicted about what to write about tonight. Obviously Father’s Day; that’s a no-brainer. My issue is…do I write about our day (which was wonderful, by the way)? Do I write about how wonderful my husband is as a father and parenting partner? Do I write about my own father and stories he would share with me? Or adventures I had with him? Or even just how much I miss him?

I feel like I can’t do justice to any of those topics because my heart is torn in so many directions today. I am full of joy and pride in Joshua but pain and grief for my father, who would love to see his one and only grandchild.

I did call my Papi today and he loved it. I texted my stepdad (given our relationship and my feelings about Father’s Day in general, this seemed to be best). I will call my paternal grandfather tomorrow, when Noah is awake. I even managed to sign my father-in-law’s card when we spent time over there yesterday. I didn’t tear up once today, at least not until this entry.

It’s so strange, to feel such heartbreak and contentment simultaneously. I hope my husband understands why I need to dedicate this post to two men instead of one…and I hope he knows how special he is to Noah and me. We couldn’t ask for anyone better.

Happy Father’s Day, my dear Joshua…you are my heart and my soul mate.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I’ll always love you.