Some people tell me just to let it go. Not brush his teeth until he’s old enough to be reasoned with and I wish I could do this. If he wasn’t predisposed to cavities and if he was nightweaned, I might let it go if he’s having a particularly rough night, like tonight. Unfortunately, he IS prediposed to cavities and he ISN’T nightweaned. He’s already had two difficult procedures done and I will do whatever I can to prevent another.

I just can’t help the thoughts that come to my mind when I’m brushing his teeth. Is he traumatized from his experiences with the dentist? Does he think I’m betraying him? Can he possibly understand that this is for his own good and that I don’t get any pleasure from forcing this on him?

Right now, I feel like both the best mother in the world and the worst. I reassure myself that I’m doing the right thing but it is so difficult. *sigh* I did let him “brush” my teeth earlier and it was so hilarious to him that I might be able to work something out where he brushes mine as I brush his. If that doesn’t work, I’m liable to break down in tears tomorrow morning.

Oh, and as an aside, we bought Sensodyne toothpaste today. I’m already noticing a difference so I hope it will help my teeth as far as brushing goes.

I am so tired that I don’t want to be awake but I haven’t had my “me time” tonight. Well, I guess I have now, but Noah fell asleep about thirty minutes ago and I’m used to around an hour or two before I go to sleep. If I don’t unwind I end up stressed out the next day.

I think tomorrow will be a good day though. We’re going out to the recycling center to get some newspaper for our fragiles and we’ll start packing those up. We’re also still rooting through our stuff…it’s amazing what we have and don’t need. I’ve been tempted to go through Noah’s toys because he has so many and he’ll get more but it’s hard to do that. Everything has sentimental value for me. Maybe I’ll grab the stuff that I absolutely can’t get rid of and that he doesn’t play with and stick it in his baby box to deal with some other time.

Clothes are another thing that are hard for me. Memories are attached to EVERYTHING but I don’t want my life to be lived in the past. I need to make room for our future, as corny as that sounds. Even if this falls through and we’re stuck here, we need more space.

On a cuter, more journal-type note, Noah did something adorable today. (Yeah yeah, what’s new? =P) He went over to the computer desk and got our attention for something. Joshua offered the mouse – no. He offered the top DVD on Noah’s stack of DVDs (we didn’t pack his) – no. He offered the entire stack – yes. Then Noah proceeded to pick up each DVD case, consider it and then put it back down. Oswald kept his attention the longest and it really looked like he was reading the back of the DVD case the way someone reads the back of a book. Oswald was put down though in favor of Bob the Builder, which Noah brought over to me with this adorable pleading expression. Joshua was already headed to the room to get his laptop and I said, “Daddy is gonna do it! Go get Daddy!” so Noah GRINS and runs after Joshua.

He was incredibly impatient while Joshua got the laptop and was singing “Bob! *gibberish* Bob!” down the hallway along with Joshua who was singing the theme song. He kept handing me the DVD case because Joshua was taking too long (according to mister impatient) and kept trying to mash buttons on the laptop to turn the movie on while it loaded. Then, when it turned on, he sang along to the theme song (and Noah has NOT seen Bob the Builder often) and clapped and cheered when the characters did.

I can’t believe it, but I can. He’s so brilliant and he has such a strong, amazing personality. He’s real and incredible in every way. I guess I really do have a toddler, huh? Eep!

I can’t believe my baby is going to be 18 months old this weekend. I feel like he was just born, like he was just an infant being cradled in my arms. Instead he’s this energetic ball of energy, bouncing off the walls and going a mile a minute and learning. Constantly learning. I think he’s up to twelve or fifteen words, all developed in the past two months. He’s also recognizing letters and numbers, though not consistently. He’s communicative and inquisitive about everything. Best of all, like I said before, he’ll occupy himself with simple things, like stacking cups (which he is doing right now) or teaching himself how to eat with a spoon (because God forbid Mommy teach him that).

I feel like my life is coming together. If the financial aspect of it could get ironed out, I’d be at peace. Is that even allowed?

It’s really made a difference in our life. This semblance of structure makes it easier to eat well, clean, go out, spend time together…whatever. I don’t have to wonder if I’ll be up before noon the next week – I know I will.

I also find that Noah is happier and gets better rest when he sleeps in the same time frame every night. He wakes up cooing and playing and smiling and just so, so affectionate. It’s so sweet, in the morning, to reach my hand down and have him grasp it so we can walk to the playroom together. The feel of his hand in mine is so unique and different and heartwarming. He does this at other times, too, but somehow, in the morning, it seems like we’re on a special Mommy-Son frequency, communicating to each other by little acts of love, like hand holding or kisses or even pouring a drink into his sippy cup.

Being a mother is so wonderful.

(Now if only I could figure out how to make myself sleep by midnight and how to make his naps a little more consistent…)

First off, Noah is really impressive. He is like a sponge lately with the way he soaks in all these new words and tricks. We watched The Babysitter’s Club together and he started making "shh chh shh" noises to his finger like they do in the movie. Then he started spinning around in circles while he walks, just because it’s fun. He’s imitating our sentences and words and it’s just incredible to watch the concentration on his face as he learns something new. Today, specifically, he learned how to make his pop up toy work (he couldn’t grasp the switch concept before).

And coloring! I really thought, when I handed him his first crayons at Longhorn, that he would just try to eat them. I was completely surprised and proud when he attempted to make marks on the paper in front of him. I was completely blown away even more recently when I bought him a box of crayons and he not only showed interest but seeks out and requests to color. Unfortunately, he likes to color on anything white, which means our fridge and wall, too. *sigh*

I am no longer worried about his hearing. He makes it obvious that he can hear us but he’s deliberately ignoring when we say his name so he can continue doing his thing. His language eruption further cements my idea that there is nothing wrong. I’d still like to take him to an ENT but I don’t think it’s so imperative that we need to drive 4-6 hours both ways. We’d be better off going to Houston! At least that way we’d be able to see an ENT and my family, yes?

I feel like I am more in control of my life again. Not the kind of control where I’m afraid to let God take over but at least to the point where I’m not sure if I’m coming or going or sleeping or awake or going to eat in an hour or five hours…catch my drift? The schedule I have tried to set up for Noah has made a huge difference for me as well. I don’t like to live by the clock but I do like to live in time increments and knowing that I have a certain amount of time allotted for "x" makes it a lot easier to get to "y" and then some. I find that I am sleeping better, even though Noah insists on increasing his nightly nursings (aren’t they supposed to slow down by now?). I even find that my depression has lifted, somewhat, because I am guaranteed to see a bit of sunlight every day.

It also helps that Joshua and I are rock solid lately. That doesn’t mean we don’t fight – we do – but it does mean that I feel secure in the knowledge that he loves me and cares for me and doesn’t need another woman but me. I feel the same towards him. He’s all the man I could ever need (or handle). Besides, why would I give up a man who cooks (amazingly well), cleans, does dishes because he knows I hate to, does laundry because it helps me AND is good in…well, you know what I mean. ;-)

Unfortunately, even though we both clean and take care of Noah and generally share in all the work, I’m finding it difficult to get past where we’re at with some things (being deliberately ambiguous here). It seems like I am constantly maintaining instead of getting better and I’d like to figure out a way around it. Noah’s playdates at his Nana’s house have been a huge help because I can typically do things that Noah won’t let me do (Noah likes my constant attention, which I am more than willing to give, but this interferes with certain chores…parents, you know what I mean). The thing is, these playdates are a little difficult for me because I miss him so much when he’s gone. Once a week is good for my sanity though, it is, and I know his Nana loves having him over. The three of us went there yesterday (even though this will be posted on Sunday, I’m writing this on my "Saturday") and we had a blast. Noah got to play, Nana got Noah-time and I didn’t miss out on my little one. She’ll get tons of him this summer though as I plan for us to go down there and hit the beach pretty often. I even bought a bathing suit (gasp!). I never buy bathing suits, especially not one pieces, but I can’t wear bikinis anymore because the product of a petite woman carrying a not-so-petite baby is, well, stretchmarks. And they ain’t pretty (though I do find them beautiful).

Whoo. Slow down Lynn. Point is, I bought a bathing suit and an Imse Vimse swim diaper for Noah (I’ll let you know how it works out) and we’re going to have tons of fun in the water this summer.

Anyway, my goal for tomorrow is to get the bathroom spotless again. There’s a lot of little things that need to be done (you know what I mean, don’t lie) and then regular maintenance like mopping that I need to get my butt into gear on. I suppose I could go get started right now, since Noah is asleep, but then I couldn’t blog. (Obviously I have my priorities in order.) I’m kind of looking forward to it though. I find a sick pleasure in turning messy areas clean… which is why I really can’t understand why our apartment is so cluttered. Too much stuff, I guess. Too much sentimental stuff, to be specific, so it’s not like I can just chunk it.

I should go do something else. This entry is long enough as it is. *hits publish*