Anyway, there is this series of books by Dean Koontz about a character named Odd Thomas. I bought Dad a copy of the first book for Christmas one year, a copy I probably still have, and he was so happy because it was the perfect gift for him. He LOVED it! It’s one of my favorites as well. The irony that it is about a man who can see and communicate with dead people is not lost on me, either.

The year Dad died, the second book came out, entitled Forever Odd. He would have loved it too. Dean Koontz was always one of his favorite writers, along with Louis L’Amour. One of my clearest memories of my dad is seeing him read a book by Koontz while stretched out on the couch. We would both spend hours in the same room, just reading, and then we’d talk about our books to each other and swap when we were done. I can’t remember a single time that Dad ever told me I was too young or too silly for a book. If I put it down, he didn’t say a word, just offered me another one.

I never realized what a big impact he had on my love for reading. My mother helped teach me how to read when I was three (going on four) and I’ve always been grateful. (Considering that she wasn’t entirely fluent in English at the time, I consider it quite the impressive feat!) I wish I could thank my father but I can thank my mother, so, thank you Mom!

I’m not sure what I was really going to write about. I lost my point in my tangent. I guess I really just wanted to say how much I thought about Dad today and how much I miss him. His birthday is in a month and for the first year since he died, I’ll be capable of going to his grave site to lay flowers…but I don’t think I’m ready. If I’ll ever be ready.

I don’t know. I’m going to bed. My heart hurts enough for one night.

Joshua had a job interview yesterday. Of course, once we finalize our decision to move and tell his parents, he gets an interview. He went, because we figure whatever we can earn is good, except it wasn’t a “definite” like his grandmother said it would be (surprise, surprise) and the uniform would cost way too much up front. Between the uniform and gas (not to mention the time it would steal away), we’d basically break even. Not worth it. He’s supposed to go back Monday with an “answer” to her “question” (that lady is weird) but we decided he would pass.

I earned another $20 today by selling my “Game Collectible” plushies. We have Noah’s open plushies plus his back-up set (he loves them) plus my original set that’s actually softer and more vividly colored than Noah’s. So we’re good, if we ever regret selling off the plushies or whatever.

That puts us at $60/$2000, technically. We may have the answer to our problems but I am hesitant to write about it just yet. Being who I am, I stick with “it isn’t definite until it’s done”. I don’t expect to move to Houston until we’re physically there. There is still the bright glimmer of hope that is what keeps me going. Each box we pack means we’re closer to a new life. Each item we sell means we’re closer to getting back on our feet. I’m making plans. I’m feeling life again.

I don’t know what I’ll do if this doesn’t happen. I don’t really want to think about it.

Soon after that, Joshua and I took him into the water! Ohhh he liked that. At first he was mad because he wanted to keep playing with the sand but then he saw that there was a huge bath tub with more sand and he wanted to get in. I had bought a panda float for him to chill out in and he thought it was the bee’s knees to splash in the water while being toted around the…water.

I should interject and say that the beach we took him to isn’t really a beach, exactly. It’s more like a big lake with sand on the people-accessible area, as it’s smack dab in the middle of Callaway Gardens. Gorgeous scenery, clean water that, with the sun out that day, was the perfect temperature. This means there aren’t huge waves or lots of salt or crabs or anything, which is nice.

After swimming, (at this point he had on a white shirt and his hat in addition to his *gasp* Imse Vimse swim diaper!), he plunked down to play with the sand some more. Then he got brave and started wandering around, (under the watchful eye of three adults, mind you), exploring the different sand (wet versus dry) and eating sweet potatoes (out of a jar – Noah is currently back to eating purees to minimize pain and damage on his tooth). I did end up taking Noah out one more time but for the most part, he hung out under the umbrella, playing with sand. He learned very quickly that he didn’t want to eat the very neat new toy (ugh, and I thought I didn’t like grits) so whatever kept him happy made me happy.

Plus, since he’s such a pale kid, we were worried about him getting sunburned. I applied sunblock liberally throughout the trip and made sure he was in the shade as much as possible.

It was such a success, and Noah loved it so much, that we’re going again on Friday. I’m really excited because I had a TON of fun. I had bought a new bathing suit a few weeks ago from JCPenney for about $13 (after store credit, sales and a coupon – originally $68!) and I LOVE it. I mean I really do – I tried it on just for kicks and knew the second I saw myself in the mirror that I just had to have it. I will be using this swim suit for a long time, that’s for sure. It really helped my self esteem to know that I can still knock guys over (or rather, one guy in particular…) after carrying Noah. Actually, to be entirely honest with myself, my stomach is in pretty good shape. The only thing that holds me back from wearing a bikini is my stretch marks…well, that and my sense of modesty. I just don’t see the need to flaunt it – I’ve got my man. ;-)

Anyway, swimming was incredible. I missed being in the water. I used to swim every single summer day in Houston (when it wasn’t raining – and even then, sometimes I did on those days, too) because I loved it so much. The last time I went swimming I was about five months pregnant and Noah didn’t like being submerged in water like that. I guess the pressure irritated him because he would squirm and roll and push and make it really uncomfortable. I couldn’t really take baths either, that’s how bad it was. So swimming was a real treat. I plan to start going to our local community pool next week for some extra exercise.

All in all, I had high expectations for this summer and even if it’s pretty dull from here on out (Hah!) I’m satisfied. I even got a bit of a tan, finally! Joshua, on the other hand…

You see the little kitten in this picture? That’s Omega, shortly before I adopted him, back when he went by the simple name of “Cookie Monster”. He wasn’t that little for very long…

He quickly grew into a panther and became quite the bug stalker. This picture is from December 2004, almost exactly six months after I adopted him. I was going through a really rough time in my life. Even though I had met Joshua by now and I had welcomed God into my life, I was still a very lonely girl. Joshua was hundreds of miles away and God was still so new to me. I didn’t yet realize my self worth as a human being and I spent a lot of time snuggled in bed with Omega while reading books. I was constantly trying to escape reality back then but Omega…he was the tangible proof that I was loved.

He moved with me, like a trooper, all the way to Georgia. I remember taking him on the plane and spending $70 on a Sherpa carrier just so he would be “airline friendly”. He meowed for most of the flight (thankfully, to most passengers’ amusement, not annoyance) and ended up peeing all over me before I got in my father-in-law’s truck. He was the source of awe for many people who had never seen an 18 pound cat before (then again, he was a source of amazement, period).

He was a good big brother to Kibou, the kitten we adopted when Joshua’s sister moved away. Kibou got rehomed too, but he lives with Joshua’s parents with the freedom to be the big bad kitty he wanted to be (and he learned to stop chewing on power cords).

When the time came to let him go, to give him a new home with people who could give him attention and let him be The Baby (and not be allergic to him, like I was)…I was crushed. Heartbroken. Every second that A was here, I wanted to scream “NO! He’s mine!” and clutch him away to the bedroom where I could keep him forever. But I didn’t, and he liked her, this feline that was so scared of strangers. He sidled right up to her and started purring, that traitor.

But I knew they would get along.

Yet, he was my comfort and joy and hope through so many periods of unrest and confusion. I will know so many loves and I will care for so many animals. I have my Joshua and my Noah and my life is complete but that will never change how much I miss Omega. How much I hope he’s okay. How much I love him.

Because oh God, how I love him.

Some people laugh at me when I cry over him. Some people laugh when I say that I miss him. “He’s just a cat,” they scoff. They don’t realize that he was my cat.

I still have A’s number in my phone. Sometimes, when I’m wondering how he’s doing and I wonder if he’s okay, I get temped to call…but I never will. I’m afraid that if I do call, if I do and she answers, she’ll hang up on me or have bad news for me or worse, it won’t be her number anymore. I find comfort in the fact that she was a lot like me – a girl who needed a friend – and I think, how perfect is that?

So I’ll never call…but I’ll always love him and I’ll never forget.

And yet lately…no goal. Nothing. Just an intent to do something I like every day, even if that means playing NeoPets while my head is throbbing (being sick is no picnic). (Yes, I play NeoPets again.) The funny thing is…I find that I’m far more relaxed when I don’t feel like my home needs to fit someone else’s standards. I find that I am far happier when I enjoy my husband and my son. It hasn’t mattered that each day just flies by – I’m enjoying it and I’m happy and that is all I need.

Money is tight. No might be about it – it is is tight. But we’re happy, this little family of three, and we love each other and we enjoy each other. Besides, one day, hopefully soon (I’m sure you understand why I say that regardless of how I feel), Joshua will be off to work and I’ll have my hands full at home without him here and we will miss each other. We always do, when he’s working outside of the home. It’s strange to go every day with your best friend for company all the time but it’s even stranger when you lose that constant companionship. Sure, it will be different and not nearly as lonely, because Noah will be here and my time will be occupied with teaching him and playing with him and caring for him but I’ll still miss Joshua.

So right now, I’m just enjoying the memories I am making with my two boys. I love spending time with them and there will never be another time in our life together like this. Noah has had a chance to bond with his father in a way that not many kids get to do and that is a silver lining worth the storm clouds. Joshua and I have our youth and our energy and our Noah and we’ve been given this golden opportunity to be together that we may not – likely will not – always have.

I think I can honestly say that I am happy.