I feel like I can’t do justice to any of those topics because my heart is torn in so many directions today. I am full of joy and pride in Joshua but pain and grief for my father, who would love to see his one and only grandchild.

I did call my Papi today and he loved it. I texted my stepdad (given our relationship and my feelings about Father’s Day in general, this seemed to be best). I will call my paternal grandfather tomorrow, when Noah is awake. I even managed to sign my father-in-law’s card when we spent time over there yesterday. I didn’t tear up once today, at least not until this entry.

It’s so strange, to feel such heartbreak and contentment simultaneously. I hope my husband understands why I need to dedicate this post to two men instead of one…and I hope he knows how special he is to Noah and me. We couldn’t ask for anyone better.

Happy Father’s Day, my dear Joshua…you are my heart and my soul mate.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I’ll always love you.

It’s been fun though. I haven’t spent much time working on any given website in ages so having kind of a “marathon weekend” next to my hubby was relaxing in some strange way. I would definitely argue that coding made for a romantic Valentine’s weekend if it didn’t make me seem like a geek. (Oh, am I too late?)

Noah is sound asleep right now and I think I will join him. He’s done so well this past week while I got through the flu-like sickness and then yesterday while I tried to pound out a few projects. As much as I do appreciate him, I don’t think I can appreciate him as much as he deserves to be. I have never met a more patient, enduring child than my Noah love.

Six thirty in the morning. One day, my sleep schedule will be fixed and remain that way. Until then:

Zzzzzzzzz…

Noah will be 4 months old tomorrow and every time I hold him, I realize how big he has grown. At first, I felt I never had a small baby, but in hindsight I realized that I really did. I compare his older pictures to now and I see such a huge difference in size, development, milestones and growth. He is such a healthy, happy baby…smiles and laughs are abundant in our household. I have been given exactly what I prayed for.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. You are amazing, whether you know it or not.

I’m amazed at how easy the idea of being pregnant comes to me – I thought that motherhood would be something alien, something I’d have to adjust to – and it is, in a way. I haven’t had a baby in my home for years. I have to re-learn everything, and in some ways, I have to learn some stuff for the first time because being a mother is far different than being a sister, or a guardian. Far, far different.

It’s magical, almost, this little secret I have inside of me. Even though we have gladly told all of those close to us, I can go out in public and people don’t get to know just yet. I can’t wait until my tummy shows the life growing inside of me – of course I can’t – but in the meantime, this little secret makes me smile. I put my hand to my belly and I know that there is life and this amazes me in so many ways. The miracles God can create – anyone that has ever asked to see a miracle needs only to look at an expecting mother. How is that not a miracle? I know of no one else that can truly create life in this special way.

We’ve been disappointed before – thankfully not miscarriages (and that, right now, is one of my greatest fears) but so many negative pregnancy tests and so many delayed periods wreaking havoc with our minds – but this time, we were surprised with this miraculous gift. We weren’t officially trying, but we knew we’d be happy when it happened, and we really are. It’s cute to see Joshua whooping in the car and kissing my tummy. He’s so thrilled, and being a father will come so naturally to him. I’m not surprised this happened now though, and not before, because before I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t ready, entirely, to give myself up to God’s plan and the life he would want for me. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a mother, or that I wanted to close some doors that, once closed, could never be reopened.

The thing is…this time…I knew that I wanted the test to be positive. I was bargaining with God in a way that I knew would probably be futile, and telling him that though I wanted his will, I was so hoping that a baby would be his will. Granted, at any moment, this could change…I know this. It terrifies me, but at the same time, I remind myself to simply have faith. God will deliver this child if he wills it.

We’re probably around six weeks along…I’ll be going to a doctor asap to have everything checked out and make sure we’re doing okay. I’m so thrilled that the calm I feel right now is kind of unexpected – I haven’t been calm all day!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mothers out there…I hope you don’t mind me joining the ranks!