I know that I’m excited about going back to my old church. Now that I am a mother, I have no interest in drama or cliques. I just want my son to grow up in church and participate in Awana’s and have friends his age. I don’t care who slept with who or who accidentally got pregnant “out of wedlock” or, for goodness sakes, who just came out of the closet. I just. don’t. care. I’m excited to go to services preached by a pastor I fully respect. I am excited to see familiar faces. I am excited to be in a house of God.

My walk has been so rocky for the past few years. My faith in God was really shaken up by some events that I don’t really talk about and I have a hard time letting go of controlling my life. However, this move has really made me rethink my beliefs and just how much faith I can put into him. We needed a certain amount of money and we got it. Our car broke down and we received the necessary funds from a surprising source. All of these little problems crop up and solutions present themselves in the most subtle of ways but they are no less powerful.

For example, Joshua and I were in Starbucks today, bartering with a book reseller over some of our old commentaries and Bibles. I was talking to the man’s wife about our move and why we were moving and there was a lady reading her book that kept watching us but I thought nothing of it at the time. You see, in public, I am not ashamed to play with Noah or dance to overhead music with him. I am quite flamboyant about having fun with my little boy. This usually brings stares so it’s not something new to me. It never occurred to me that she might be paying closer attention than usual until the couple we were selling books to left. Then she walked up, handed Joshua a $20 bill and said, “God bless you in what you are trying to do”, then rushed back to her book and barely acknowledged our thanks (not in a bad way).

After something like that, how does one NOT believe in the power of God and the love that he instills in his children? So you see, my walk with God is in an entirely different place than it was a year ago or even a month ago. I have no idea what’s going to happen when we move. I have no idea where we’ll be a few months from now…but I firmly believe that we’ll be happy and content in due time.

For those that don’t know me, that is huge. For the last several years, I think I’ve wanted a site that received multiple comments daily and some sort of recognition and I wanted to be one of the “in crowd” at Blogher and then when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to be a wealth of information to other mothers and women and just people in general.

But now…I kind of wish I had embraced anonymity a little more. I’d like to be brutally honest with you myself. For once in my life, I would like to accept who I am and try to work through the muddle in my brain, not the muddle of parenting drama and snark communities and everything that goes with it.

The internet is not that forgiving. I can’t suddenly wipe my site and expect everyone to forget who I am. Besides, while that would be quite lovely, I’m a little sad at the thought that I might mean that little to people I’ve never met. Obviously, I have a complex.

I don’t regret the entries on this site. I’m sure they will continue, actually, because logging my life is of vital importance to me so that one day when I’m old and feeble and can barely remember my name I can read about some twenty-something chick who dotes on her husband and son and wonder what the hell is wrong with her. Or very very right.

Besides, when I moved out here for Joshua, I knew I wouldn’t want to retire here or stay forever. I like it just fine – small towns have their charms, especially this one – but I don’t like the school district or the extreme isolation (The Pioneer Woman would laugh her tush off at me right about now if she were to read this – as if). Moving away was inevitable and this way, we can get back on our feet and let my family enjoy some time with Noah while he’s young. I know that I’ve been worried that my grandmothers wouldn’t bond with him appropriately (though it seems they already did) and I’ve been worried for my mom, who has been in quite a bit of emotional pain that she couldn’t see Noah grow up this past year and a half but now that will change.

However, money, or rather the lack thereof, is our primary driving force. Joshua and I don’t seek to be rich. We simply want to be debt-free and stable. There is scripture about how you cannot serve two masters and I do feel that debt sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with God. (Most of the time its my beef with certain “holes” in scripture but I’m working on those.) I long for the day that I can save up for a purchase without feeling the niggling guilt that the money should go towards paying off a credit card.

Anyway, before I ramble on like I usually do, there is my update. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you’ll probably be spammed with my pingback links. Sorry. You should know better than to follow me. ;-)

My excitement hasn’t really dampened today. If anything, I’m more excited because I’m thinking of all the things we can DO. I’ll have a church again, for one. My walk with God was always stronger when I went to Wilcrest. Even if they’ve changed, it’ll be a place to reconnect with my Christian roots. I also know they have a fabulous children’s program, which is majorly important.

And Mom. Spending time with Mom is so important to me right now because I just don’t know how much time we’ll have left. She’s not that young anymore. She isn’t old, not by a long shot, but 51 isn’t a teenager, either. I want this time with her while I have it.

And Gregory. I have so much I want to teach him and time I want to spend with him. I have a lot of regrets that I need to make up for. And he’s so excited about being an uncle that I want him to enjoy some time with that while Noah is still itty bitty.

And my grandparents. All of them. I talked to my grandmother today and she was practically crying tears of joy at the mere IDEA of spending time with Noah or going to his second birthday party. Or spending Thanksgiving with me for the first time in ten years.

And then there is work. I am actually excited about the prospect of working outside of the house because I know Noah will be in capable hands (Shannon is more than capable but she’s a scenic 30 minutes away in the opposite direction of any job). With both of us working and free babysitting, we would be on our feet in no time!

And the idea of living in HOUSTON, next to everything, with my cousins and friends surrounding us…I wouldn’t have to be a recluse anymore. I could go do stuff! Picnics in the park during the Spring and a multipass to the zoo and museums and Metrorail and holy crap I’m about to explode with happiness.

This might not work. This very well could not work. But I don’t care because I am enjoying the reprieve from the depression, no matter how long it lasts.

Last Friday, while we were house-sitting, Joshua’s grandmother (Mimi) ended up in the hospital due to an allergic reaction to her medication. We went to pick her up and Joshua took her car to the apartment to clean up while Noah and I took her home (she lives with Joshua’s parents). It was on our way back that we got into a wreck.

Yes, you heard me correctly. I was in my very first accident that involved another car and I just so happened to be behind the wheel.

An 18-wheeler (18w) was headed towards me and the driver was in my lane. I slowed down but he showed no signs of stopping so I had to swerve and eventually slam on my brakes. Even though I had gone from about 45mph to 20 mph, the car behind me couldn’t stop in time and slammed into me. The 18w was gone by then and the other driver came up to me with a bewildered expression, asking what I was doing. I told him I was avoiding a head-on collision with the 18w and proceeded to call 911. His wife kept glaring at me and looking pointedly at her kid, like I didn’t have a child of my own to think about. By that point, I had already verified that Noah and Mimi were okay…my first thought, as soon as I felt the other car hit, was of Noah. I was terrified the truck wouldn’t stop in time but thankfully Noah was just surprised by the bump and was more interested in playing with his hackey sack.

Anyway, long story short, the state patrol came out (Joshua followed shortly after) because we were technically on a residential highway run by the state. It was deemed to be the other driver’s fault and our insurance companies are busy figuring out all of the details. His truck was hardly scratched but our trunk is crunched up pretty good. I replaced Noah’s carseat within two hours of the accident and Joshua had fun destroying the old one with his drill. ;-)

I hope that our trunk can get fixed but even if something goes wrong, I am just thankful to God that we are all okay and that our car is driveable. It could have been SO much worse and as terrible as I feel about what happened, I know it was the better of two options. Joshua pointed out that we would not likely have survived a head-on collision with an 18-wheeler at 45mph.

The rest of the week, up until today, has been just as hectic and I’m just thankful to be home, in my own bed, next to my husband. Tomorrow (today, really) we’ll be heading back out to his parents’ house for a few hours to celebrate Shannon’s birthday (Happy Birthday!) but our weekend plans are Rest, Relax and Rejuvenate!

Oh, and before I just spring it on here…I will be rehauling my site a little bit. I have been trying very hard to fit into some sort of niche so I could get visitors that would come back and tell me how much I don’t suck and how cute my kid is and blah blah blah. Unfortunately, that means editing who I am a little bit and that seems wrong. This is my site, for me, for my memories and archives and catalogs. In the end, when I’m re-reading this entries years down the line, who is going to still be around? Me. And I don’t want to censor anything anymore.

That means that I’ll be importing my Neopets entries to the main blog. It also means I may post a ton of pictures here, too. It also means that there might be, *gasp*, cussing! (I might as well be a sailor. Really. Sorry…kinda.) Well, not so much cussing, because I’m trying to set an example for my son, but if something slips I’m just warning you not to be surprised.

So here I am. I really want to stick with this site because I’ve enjoyed blogging alongside my husband and in the midst of so much turmoil in my life, I need something light and easy. Wish me luck.